Michael Aspel, while not a true legend of the StavBureau pantheon, is nevertheless a fearsome opponent in his own right.
Frankly irrelevant to his later life and crimes. However if you insist, Aspel started life as a fridge herder, corralling vast herds of Smegs across the breeding grounds of Albania. He was subsequently discovered by David Attenborough while filming his seminal look at Albanian wildlife, ‘Life in the Shithole’, and brought back to London to be poked at with sticks. Escaping from a laughable security BBC poking chamber he hid in Television Centre, surviving as a game show host.
Running free in the studios of the BBC Aspel began frantically breeding, producing dozens of offspring whenever he had the opportunity. After his eventual recapture the BBC realised this was a rich source of televisual entertainment, muzzling Aspel sufficiently to produce several Door-based TV shows utilising his many illegitimate offspring. These shows were collected in the seminal documentary ‘Sex, Lies & Aspel’, the only programme ever rated a ‘30’ by the BBFC.
Having run out of television shows to make the BBC allocated a large sum of licence-fee payers money to storing Aspel, to keep him safe from the society. However they decided it would be better to just burn the money in a fridge and release Aspel, because that’s the way they roll. As such everyone is advised to ensure each and every door to their property is thoroughly Aspel proofed to keep him out, lest he run amok and attempt to breed.
Fortunately for the world it appears Aspel’s depraved breeding habits are not passed onto his offspring, a relief for all involved given his decades in the wild.
At present the only one of Aspel’s spawn to retain the un-natural desires of his sire is Kevin McCloud, the entire premise of Grand Designs being little more than an excuse for McCloud to travel the nation leaving a trail of illegitimate children behind him. The fact that every couple building a property during the programme will acquire a child is categorical proof McCloud has had his wicked way with the wife in the tradition of his ancestor.
While clearly being less dangerous than Aspel McCloud is still rated as at least a Category III threat and should be treated accordingly.