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BOATPIG Page 93

You decide upon the full, proper James Bond solution to the problem, storming the camp with an elite force of special forces before a final dramatic confrontation with the villain. There is of course the minor issue that you don’t have any ninja, commandos or similar to hand. As the only people you know with easy access to such a force are the Bureau you are forced to admit you cannot, in fact, defeat Urban single handedly and will require some assistance.

The Bureau, on being informed that you have been chasing Urban for some months now without informing them of his return, are less than impressed with your conduct. As such, while they agree to release their special forces to deal with the matter, they insist on coming along as well to make sure things are done properly.

The Stav Bureau’s elite purple jacketed simian commandos burst into the enemy camp led by CMOS, the BIOS monkey. Pope Urban flees the scene and leaves his henchman, The Man from Del Monte, to distract the Bureau and buy time for his escape. In the inevitable fight CMOS is hurled against a wall, which he then slowly slides down in an amusing fashion. The Bureau, after a suitable pause for laughter, chase and defeat The Man, the dramatic triumph slightly undermined by the subsequent punning contest as the Bureau try to top each others Bondesque puns. - GAME OVER

Your Ending

As Pope Urban makes his escape you are summoned before the Bureau. To be frank it is a mixed bag, while your initiative and lone wolf tracking skills are definite positives, your failure to inform the Bureau of his return counts quite heavily against. In the end it is your choice of the full James Bond solution that counts against you, as you are entirely without an innuendo named female accomplice any Bond-esque assault was doomed to end in the villain escaping; For instance compare You Only Live Twice and On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (sensible named females but Blofeld escapes both times) with Moonraker (Dr Goodhead and Drax floating in space) or Goldfinger (Pussy Galore and Goldfinger sucked out of a plane).

This lack of a even a basic understanding of Bondian principles finally count against your bid for full Ministerial position and instead you are appointed Assistant Under-Minister for Misdirected Initiative.

Your Achievements or Otherwise

• You have been appointed to a position in the Stav Bureau = +100pts
• You are not a Stav Minister = -50pts
• The role you do have is not very senior either = -49pts
• Emotional State; pride and lingering regret = +2pts
• You didn’t die = +5pts

Ranking

• Grand Total = +8pts
• Rating = Still breathing and (barely) a position in the Bureau. While it is possible to do better in BOATPIG this is still one of the better endings.
• Future Life = Your main role in the Bureau, that of acting as a anti-compass on the use of initiative (if you think it’s a good idea then the Bureau know it probably isn’t), soon pales as you realise your life’s work will consist of everything you think should be done not being done, mostly because you think it should be done. You raise this complaint with the Bureau who see your point and as compensation assign you to a key position in the Trans-World Urban Neutralisation Taskforce, a role you know must be important as the Bureau refer to TWUNTs quite a lot.

Would you care to try again?