bp29

BOATPIG Page 29

Channelling that spirit of D H Lawrence you unleash Lady Chatterley’s Subsequent Bitter Divorce. Sadly D H Lawrence wasn’t a very good player of the game and his spirit has made a monumental cockup - Lady Chatterley’s Subsequent Bitter Divorce is not a recognised opening counter-sploul! The referee shakes his head in disgust, pities you for being a fool and declares Stav the victor due to technical out venting.

You appeal to the referee but it falls on deaf ears. While Mr T. appreciates the stark miserable beauty of the Subsequent Bitter Divorce, he is something of a traditionalist in these matters and firmly rules that it is only valid if the Bratislava convention has been invoked and your damnation score is greater that your spleen encumbrance rating, neither of which are the case here. Obviously. Disappointed you turn to face the Bureau - GAME OVER

Your Ending

Defeated at Spleen, Spleen, Sploul your challenge has failed and you must face the consequences of your late arrival - Bureau rules are clear on the subject, you cannot be offered a Ministry. While the Bureau is impressed with your pluck and performance they flatly refuse to break their own rules (they much prefer to just change the rules or get them ‘re-clarified’ to mean what is required). However taking their cue from Mr T. they are prepared to appoint you Vice-Deputy-Junior-Minister for Pitied Fools, a position you accept out of shear desperation.

Your Achievements or Otherwise

• Just about a Bureau Member = +10pts
• But not a Minister = -9pts
• Pitied by Mr T. = -15pts
• This shame is recorded in your Bureau role so no-one will ever forget = -21pts
• You now harbour a deep and burning hatred of D H Lawrence = +1pts
• Emotional State; Vague pride, lingering demand for revenge on a long dead author and shame at being a pitied fool = -17pts

Ranking

• Grand Total = -51pts
• Rating = While you are a Bureau member it’s fairly low down the totem and you are a pitied fool. Still at least you aren’t dead, and that in itself is an achievement in BOATPIG.
• Future Life = You realise you are faced with a simple choice; throw yourself into your Bureau career and climb to the top or waste your life in planning a probably impossible petty revenge. Sadly as you are a pitied fool you discard the former and spend every spare moment developing an elaborate time travel plan so you can exact your vengeance on D H Lawrence. This ridiculous plan ends in inevitable failure, further pitying from Mr T. and a promotion to Assistant-Under-Minister for Pitied Fools as the Bureau realise you were even more of a fool than they first thought.

Would you care to try again?