BOATPIG Page 201
You broach the topic of the alleged extra-oceanographic habits of the Gulf Stream and the things it is reportedly doing with the Humboldt Current despite the scandalous temperature difference between them.
This subject does not meet with the approval you had hoped for In fact it’s hard to describe quite how little approval it meets with, English adjectives struggle to go that small. - GAME OVER
Your Ending
While there are those in the Bureau who would enjoy a good oceanographic discussion your choice of approach is frankly unacceptable, such an approach may be acceptable for weekly tat magazines however the Bureau has standards. Using the word alleged shows a terrible lack of faith in what you are saying, or worse a fear to be held accountable for your words, thus such spinelessness is banned under pain of ironic punishment.
Such is the efficiency of the Bureau system that the guards who dragged you out of the pub manage to explain it to you before the prison van has reached it’s destination.
Your Achievements or Otherwise
- Failed the interview = -17pts
- You offended the Bureau’s sensibilities = -50pts
- Hence you are not a member = -1pt
- On your way to a mysterious destination = +1pt
- It’s unlikely to be pleasant = -2pts
- Didn’t get a chance to finish, or indeed properly start, your pint = -18pts
- Emotional State; Disappointment, shame at your predictability, in mourning for lost pint. = -14pts
Ranking
- Grand Total = -101pts
- Rating = Your score is 101. This is in fact probably a co-incidence as the ironic punishment probably isn’t your greatest fear. Unless by some fluke it is, in which case award your self a bonus point. Which will mean your scores is no longer 100 and thus we will deduct a point from you. Stay trapped in this recursion until sorry.
- Future Life = To your surprise your sentence is not indefinite or tied to an indefinable concept such as being sorry. Instead you need only mine a certain amount of calcium, even more surprisingly the mine at the prison site actually contains some calcium, indeed it contains exactly the right amount of calcium. That is because after some fine mad science all the calcium in your vertebrae was extracted and scattered across the mine, leaving you to try and excavate it out again with no bones in your spine. This is proving even harder than your first feared, just as planned.
Would you care to try again?