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BOATPIG Page 159

Trusting Brian you follow his instructions and climb the stairs leading to the 10m board. From this heigh you are shocked to see a judging area has been set up and the Bureau are seated ready to score. The mystery of quite what you are supposed to do is solved when Brian’s voice booms out Who wants to live forever? DIVE! - GAME OVER

Your Ending

Assuming the position you nod at the Bureau and then leap, attempting to execute a triple reserve backflip and Pike with nip and tuck. A flail of limbs and large splash later you surface and look to the Bureau to see your score.

After a brief discussion the Bureau agree that, while you are clearly terrible at diving, you did show fine determination in continuing to follow Brian’s voice despite it leading you miles from London. This kind of blind obedience is a vital part of the Stavish cult and so, in the hopes you can inspire others to equally unquestioning devotion, you are offered a post as Vice-Cardinal of the Unorthodox Cult of El Presidente.

Overcome with emotion, and chlorine, you accept.

Your Achievements or Otherwise

• You are a member of the Stav Bureau = +50ts
• Sort of = -10pts
• You are not a Stav Minister = -25pts
• You didn’t die = +5pts
• You have been inducted as a senior member of an unhallowed cult = -2pts
• The Vice-Cardinal’s hat is spiffing = +12pts
• Emotional State; confused, gassed, elated and apprehensive = +7pts

Ranking

• Grand Total = 37pts
• Rating = Your score is the same as the number of official Antipopes there have been. This is not a coincidence.
• Future Life = As a Vice-Cardinal it is your duty to promote and expand the Cult of Personality around El Presidente. With liberal assistance from the Ministry for Historical Clarification you spread the word about the infallible wisdom of Stav and his Bureau and their mighty works for all humanity. Indeed such is your success in the matter that you find yourself believing your own words, finding the ever present watchful eyes of the Ministry of Security not a gross violation of privacy, but a re-assurance that the immortal Presidente, through his agents, is watching out for you at all times.

Would you care to try again?