BOATPIG Page 131
As you had suspected the Dragon has made it’s lair beneath the vaults of the Bank of England, in accordance with the traditions of its kind. You take a moment to prepare yourself and then burst into the lair while pressing the UV button on the Keytar. The sacred instrument rumbles into life and spews forth the distinctive thumps of Vienna by Ultravox. What effect this musical treat will have on the Dragon you can only guess at. - GAME OVER
Your Ending
The keytar focuses the concentrated rage of Midge Ure into a single cohesive blast of anti-Geldof particles, the resulting beam of azure fire smashing through the dragon’s scale as if they were paper and vaporising large chunks of the beast.
Removing your shades you power down the keytar to contemplate what you have wrought. After checking the dragon is definitely dead, alive things have less smouldering holes in them, there is only one thing left to do. “I guess for the Dragon it was” shades on “Goodnight Vienna”.
Your duty done you make your way to the nearest Bureau HQ to report your success and await the judgement of the Bureau. To be honest it’s something of an anti-climax, while they are indeed pleased you defeated the dragon they would have preferred it alive, the Chairman was of the opinion it would make an excellent pet. However on balance they are still prepared to offer you a position as Deputy-Minister for Environmental Control, an offer you slightly disappointedly accept.
Your Achievements or Otherwise
- You are a member of the Stav Bureau = +100ts
- You are not a full Stav Minister = -50pts
- You are however a full blown proper Deputy Minister = +25pt
- But you don’t actually know what your ministry does = -26pts
- The transformation induced by the Keytar of New Roamance did not disapear after you returned it to Chesney Hawkes tomb = -185pts
- As a member of the Bureau you have access to the finest medical care and psychological counselling on earth and should make a full recovery = +186pts
- You didn’t die = +1pt
- The Sacred Keytar of New Romance survived the battle = +7pts
- This is not a good thing = -8pts
- Emotional State; pride, elation and a disconcerting fear about what your actual job is = +18pts
Ranking
- Grand Total = +68pts
- Rating = Almost a smutty score, but not quite. While surviving and becoming a member of the Bureau are both mighty achievements, you score has been held back as Environmental Control is not the most prestigious ministry available.
- Stav Bureau Career = Environmental Control is a relatively new Ministry, rooted in the deep Brutalist traditions of the Bureau. Not for them the ridiculous notions of harmony with nature, instead nature must be managed and bent to the will of the Bureau, the world re-shaped and re-made at the direction of man. The Ministry also does pest control and, as deputy Minister, that’s the area you are given responsible for. It’s hard to over-state your disappointment.
- Future Life = In fairness the pests you are controlling are considerably more interesting than your average pest control; winged ocelots, escaped hybrid apes and the unholy spawn of Aspel and McCloud are just some of the vexatious creations you have controlled. Hoping to prove your worth by becoming master pest-hunter you throw yourself into your work. Alas the Bureau expect excellence and, while you are well rewarded, you progress no further up the Bureau hierarchy. You do however have a simply stunning skull collection, and if that’s not some consolation what is?
Would you care to try again?