BOATPIG Page 130
You elect to take the Van Hammer Challenge, having a vague memory he was an 80s synth star. The Bureau are surprised at your choice but accept it. The group decamp from the pub to the street outside, at which point you are handed a large hammer, pointed at a nearby van and told to destroy it against the clock. This is somewhat unexpected. - GAME OVER
Your Ending
While you do your best to destroy the van the sad fact is that you are a lover, not a fighter. Thus when the clock stops the van, while thoroughly damaged, is obviously not destroyed. The Bureau briefly commiserate with you about your poor choices before announcing you have failed the interview process. And to declare their considered opinion that you are a crap lover as well as being a terrible fighter. Just as you are processing the shock a minor flunky casually informs you that the van was in fact a hire van and it had been taken out in your name.
Your Achievements or Otherwise
- You are not a member of the Stav Bureau = -1pt
- You did make it to the interview = +17pts
- Which you then failed = -18pts
- You are looking at quite a large bill to repair the damaged van = -7pts
- You feel that this is just the Bureau adding insult to injury = -21pts
- You are correct about this = +1pt
- Emotional State; exhausted, disappointed and impoverished = -33pts
Ranking
- Grand Total = -62pts
- Rating = While you are alive you are also a failure, indeed you are a heavily indebted failure as well so you are in fact considerably worse of than when you started. Your score reflects this and rightly so.
- Future Life = To your horrified surprise you discover the van was made of a variety of stupidly obscure parts, handmade by blind nuns using needlessly expensive raw materials. In accordance with Bureau custom you must repay your debt in one of the approved methods, ruling out most of them as being unhygenic, illegal or technically impossible you resign yourself to a life working in the fields doing pointless work yet being thrashed should you fail to meet arbitrary and impossible targets. Worse you are banned from looking at the distant mountains with a single tear in your eye, your creditors wish to harvest your tears to help pay off your crushing debts. Bad luck.
Would you care to try again?