bp122

BOATPIG Page 122

Fighting down the horror you hurl the keytar away from you lest the taint infect you further. This is unfortunate timing as a Knight of Siam arrives, apologising that he got lost on the way in as he is only temporary cover. His explanation of the strike that delayed the ancient French knight is interrupted when he sees you hurling artefacts about the place. Temp he may be, but he still isn’t impressed.

As the knight is forcibly ejecting you from the temple, and indeed the entire valley, he adds insult to injury by explaining you had in fact picked the correct item. Dragons are famously terrified of New Romance, to this day Duran Duran still earn more money from dragon hunting than record royalties. - GAME OVER

Your Ending

Dejectedly you are ejected from the valley and warned never to return. As you pick yourself up and walk away, the mocking laughter of the Lamassu filling your ears, you reflect that things could have gone better.

Jimmy is naturally disappointed, but understanding. Being transformed into a New Romantic would disturb any normal person. Alas the Bureau do not seek normal people for members, they look for only the extraordinary, and you have just confirmed to them that you do not fit into that elite category. Wishing you well Jimmy does you the courtesy of not formally rejecting your application, which is something at least. Just not very much.

Your Achievements or Otherwise

• You do not have a position in the Stav Bureau = 0pts
• You didn’t even make it to the interview = -28pts
• Though you would have failed it, at least you weren’t formally rejected = +2pts
• Your dragon knowledge is poor = -18pts
• Your knowledge of New Romance is worse = -21pts
• But is that a bad thing? = +22pt
• You didn’t die = +1pts
• You were mocked by a Lamassu = -42pts
• Emotional State; dishonoured, mocked and shamed = -19pts

Ranking

• Grand Total = -68pts
• Rating = Not dead, not trapped in Milton Keynes and not an officially rejected candidate, all fine achievements in the context of BOATPIG, so why the low score? Well aside from not getting into the Bureau you were mocked by a Lamassu and, much like being pitied as a fool by Mr T, that sort of thing will do terrible things to your self esteem and score.
• Future Life = Alas the influence of the sacred keytar of Milton Keynes is not so easily discarded. While your clothes and hair eventually return to normal your vision remains tainted by pastel shades and you still hunger for a soft focus yacht. As a bagpipe and bassoon molester such things are unimaginable luxuries and thus you are doomed to a life of yearning disappointment for both the Bureau and a proper sash to tie around your waist. It is your curse to realise these two dreams are not only beyond your reach but also utterly incompatible.

Would you care to try again?