“I will hide behind this glass wall. Or window as it is more commonly known.” - Stav
“I’m surprised you ever did a job which involved interacting with the public.” - Vicki (to Shep)
“That’s what I ….. cough …. burble …. I’m sure you can complete the rest.” - Stav
“I would happily have just turned up for the social side of further maths” - Phil
“I’ve flushed all my buffers.” “Yes, the floor is now ruined.” - Stav then Phil
“This is the StavBureau, we spit on consistency.” - Phil
“Everything I say could possibly end up on the QuotesBoard” - Stav. Not realising someone was ready and waiting to do so.
“He’s refusing to be reset, someone open up the skull”. - Jimmy
“You shouldn’t enjoy yourself on a coach!” “But the floor was wipe clean!” Jimmy and Phil
“Ahh! Weather!” Shep on walking outside.
“I’m expecting by the time it gets back it will be posted on #mySQL” Shep. Flying at great speed over many people’s heads.
“Can I borrow the penknife. Again.” Shep
“It does really want to foam up. Those crazy Germans.” Axel and Shep
“Is this Casio di Banko?” - Shep looking for Cinzano Bianco.
“Oh God I’m actually quite drunk now” - Shep
“I think we should set fire to things before we become too drunk.” - Jo
“Shep can have it. And if he gets the galloping trots we can all laugh at him” - Axel
“Congratulations on having a BBQ in the dark so nobody knows who has the Lost Burger of Arak Nor.” - Shep
“I successfully passed on a joke I don’t understand.” - Stav
“I can do this and pretend my eyes have a zoom function.” - Stav
“Is that the Ted Heath? Not unless he did Hawaiian Mambo.” - Stav and Phil
“Apart from the fact it has lumps in, that’s quite nice. I’d go along with that.” Shep and Axel
“That gunman looked like a balding version of Marky Mark. As he prefers not to be called these days.” - Axel
“I thought it said Jesus built Maidenhead.” - Stav
“Quick, form a rudimentary mosh-pit!” - Shep
“Oh I know what we’ve forgot: Shep” - Phil after failing to pick up Chris and Shep before going to buy booze
“Are we still counting port as a spirit?” - Phil
“Does anything ever taste better with Cinzano Bianco?” - Jimmy
“Stav’s gone squeeky. I think the neighbour’s dog has just exploded.” - Vicki, Shep
“Let’s add some lemonade to try and numb the flavour” - Phil
“The thing that’s wrong with Shep’s joy is that its far too bitter.” - Jo
“Is that Shep’s Joy? All of it. Shep has no joy any-more” Stav, Shep then Jimmy
“That colour is not on the spectrum. It looks like it’s gently fluorescing.” Stav then Shep describing Vectron’s Tears.
“Ahhh my face!” - Jimmy after drinking the clockfail Donkey’s Tears. Then “I know your going to hate it but I think you should try it.” Epitaph “That’s straight from Beelzebub’s arse.”
“I haven’t had a sugary rim in a while.” Jimmy
“Alright Jimmy, unleash the cream!” Phil, whilst preparing a Backwards Ritual
“I’m proud of my gay legacy” - Jimmy
“Oh god, we’ve made diahorrea” Phil
“Jimmy, try a rental probe and confirm it’s awful.” “Oh very well.” Phil and Jimmy
“Stav, people want to ask you a dull question about anal shit” “When you put it like that it sounds like we’re asking questions about bottoms.” Phil and Jimmy
“Not only did I get Stav I also got Shep” A Proud Jimmy
“Of course it looks wrong it’s a bassoon. You’re basically playing a giant cock!” Jimmy
“No, no I’ve got Wogan’s urine test” Jimmy
“Because of certain drunken indiscretions I have been branded somehow a racist” Jimmy. Who isn’t actually a racist.
“Jimmy did you ever get round to your rectal probe? Your hard, throbbing, rectal probe.” “No, I was a bit busy” “I’m feeling adventurous so I’ll try one!” – Phil, Jimmy, Axel.
“If we assume that a rectal based rocket launcher is unavailable” - Stav, unaware of quite how ill Shep was at the time.
“Has anyone else noticed that Bourbon tastes nothing like Bourbon biscuits like they are supposed to?” - Stav. Promulgating a new StavBureau policy on biscuits.
“Are we going for surprisingly drinkable?” “What Cod?” Clockfails, Phil and Stav collide for hilarious effect.
“Let’s face it: Goatse and Tubgirl were never going to go mainstream.” - Stav
“It’s like getting AIDS through a needle, all the disadvantages but none of the fun” - One from the archives….
“Ohh! It’s basically Worcester Sauce.” Stav, failing to understand Angostura Bitters at all.
“My god we’ve made something nice!” “Is it Shep’s Joy.” “No but it does make my eyes water.” Shep, Jo, Shep on a nice clockfail.
“I’d give it 47 out of 304” Jimmy
“It could be worse.” “How?” “Obviously you’ve never had the donkey’s tears.” “No, but I have had the monkey’s gland.” Chris and Vicki, with Vicki being less than polite about Jimmy’s personal areas. Perhaps.
“Ohhh my god it’s like I chucked it up! But it is quite nice.” Vicki. Bless.
“That’s the one with the soylent green in but I forget what it’s called.” “Soylent green.” Stav being educated by Alex
“I’m easy.” “So we’ve heard…” Phil, pushing the limits and inexplicably not being killed.
“So what does Shanghai Knights give you?” “Herpes.” Jo and Jimmy discussing firework boxes. Apparently.
“The fireworks are hidden behind the wall.” “The Chinese is hidden behind the walls?” “No that’s the VietCong” “They’re coming out of the goddamned walls!” Phil, Jo, Chris and Jimmy combine for marvellous free form randomness.
“It’s Jimmy’s Bitter Hand” - A mix of bitters and drunkness.
“What sort of Rum?” “Dark!” “You are not Dave Kadywood.” - Phil, Jimmy and Phil discuss clocktails.
“You’ve killed Jimmy!” “Just a factory reset” - Shep and Jimmy discuss Jimmy drinking Stavs Sweetness and Port
“There is no defence, so don’t even try!” “Isn’t that the StavBureau motto?” Phil and Vicki discussing justice in the Bureau.
“Every year Jimmy goes to the casino and bets on blue. And every year he walks away disappointed.” Phil describing Jimmy at casinos
“Thank you Stav. Short and to the lack of point.” “But at least it was short!” Phil and Stav discuss Stav’s story telling skills.
“You put a crème egg up your shit pipe?!?” Shep (allegedly) mishearing Stav discussing what he does with Cadbury’s Crème Eggs.
“But were they pointy end or blunt end first?” Phil, trying to get to the bottom (so to speak) of Stav’s Crème Egg habits.
“Quick! Eat the chutney, it’ll stop Vic giving you rickets.” Phil offering Stav vital health advice that did make sense at the time.
“Whereas I look like a tiny pixy with this huge phone. Yes, but why does the pixy have to be gay?” Jimmy and Vicki discussing Jimmy’s phone.
“Why did they bother? They may as well have put a pole up.” Jo discussing Germany’s Eurovision entry dancing on a box.
“She is bringing shame on Sweden. Or Schwame on Schwadenan” Phil and Jimmy discussing Swedish comedy.
“You’ve kept the cat but locked out Vicky. It was easier this way!” Jimmy discussing his door locking habits.
“He looks like I imagine Hungary: impoverished, scruffy and selling the big issue. Like a sad smurf.” Jo and Jimmy discussing Hungary at Eurovision
“Zoo hacker- He promised much but delivered little.” Jo being disappointed in Hungary
“At least he’s got a few token woman. Fag hags.” Jo and Phil discussing the many oil up dancers supporting Ireland’s entry.
“Jimmy what did you do with the straws? long pause Unhh.” Vicki asking Jimmy about his straw use habits.
“We’ll at least someone has opened the Hitler window.” Phil, commenting on the evolution of the night.
“I only put the Ladybody rule in for a joke. And then Sweden.” Phil and Jimmy discussing the Swedish vote reporter.
“Have you factored in the fritzel factor?” Vicki asking about Austrian voting
“That’s black! That’s not racist, it’s just black” Vicki about the home made Cointreau
“What’s wrong with her face? She’s Bulgarian. Oops.” Shep, jimmy and Jimmy discussing the Bulgarian presenter.
“I now have a vision of Jo running around the country with a shovel threatening herons” Jimmy discussing Jo’s heron murdering habit
“I think this would be ideal for drinking Ouzo out of.” Shep talking about iced shot glasses. Phil holds up bottle of Ouzo. “Shit.” Shep.
“Thats not hyphenated! Game over.” Stav then Phil.
“I used to correct people about their grammar, then I started doing it to myself and realised it was annoying.” Stav
“It smells off toothpaste. That’s because it’s toothpaste!” - Shep and Phil discussing anything with creme de menthe
“You’ve added too much Creme de Menthe! I only added a bit. You added some!” Shep, Stav and Jimmy discuss the correct quantities of Creme de Menthe to add to a cocktail.
After tasting the Guilty Pomegranate’s Shaking Documentation: “Hello Treacle.” - Phil
“Quick! Get the bottle of cock!” - Shep
“As the only party publicly committed to a one party, communistical police state it is unfortunate that we are so bad at central planning.” - Chairman Phil, discussing the Bureau
“No-one has ever been found innocent in a Stav Bureau trial. And no-one ever will.” - Phil, ruminating on the vagaries of the Bureau’s justice system.
“Someone annex them and stop her” - Jimmy on the Ukrainian entry.
“What a pointless waste of time that was” - Jo on Belarus. Or possibly the whole of Eurovision
“That is gayer than gay a gay musical. And he’s got a beard. Look blatant cockling. And I wouldn’t trust him with kids. Belarus is going to single handedly destroy our livers.” Vicki, Phil, Vicki, Jimmy, Phil discussing the many penalties incurred due to Belarus.
“They’ve got curtains on.” Jo, not being impressed by the Norwegian backing violinists.
“A torrent of Friztels” Jimmy. Who needs context?
“He’s not looking like Dracula, normally I expect Romanians to look like Dracula” - Jo on the male singer from Romania
“See! Vampire! There’s no reflection on the floor” - Jo describing the female Romanian singer. Who was a vampire.
“Playing the circular piano should be a euphemism” - Jimmy, describing Romanian’s contribution to the Bureau euphemism stockpile.
“Have we got warbling like a Harpy as a penalty? We will do next year” Phil and Vicki are not impressed by the high notes of the Romanian lady singer.
“Armenina Genocide, YES! That should not be a cause for celebration! This is Bureavision.” Phil, Vicki and Jo discussing the Bureau policy of crimes against humanity.
“I like this entry. NO you don’t” Vicki telling Jimmy what he actually thinks about the Polish entry. As usual, apparently.
“This is for their clubs, you’ll be hearings this all over Kefalonia this summer. Oh God, cancel the holiday.” Jo and Jimmy discussing the Greek entry.
“It’s Germany, good thing we opened the Hitler window in time.” - Jo, commenting on the German entry ‘Is it Right’
“No, no it’ “Is it Reich?” - Phil correcting the name of Germany’s entry.
“The Third Dyke” - Jimmy, identifying the sexuality of the German singers.
“The War-See-Saw Pact” - Jo. Being shameless.
“Keytar! Curse you Italy” - Phil and Jimmy discussing the abomination of the Italian entry.
“She’s got to sort out what to do with that flute. Any suggestions? None that I can repeat in company.” Phil, Jo and Phil discuss the flute shaking habits of the Slovenian entry.
“I have the need for mead!” - Phil
“Is that pacman ghosts on his shirt? No it is his actual number of white bloodcells.” - Jo and Phil discuss the Latvian representative’s shirt choice.
“Kent has the Downs. You can’t look at mongs all holiday.” - Vicki and Phil discussing holiday attractions in Kent.
“Four rhymes with red.” - Stav explains his system for assigning values to pegs.
“A million Bureau points! And what do points make? A trip to the gulag!” Phil and Chris discussing the bureau point awarding system
“It’s six inches! How do you fit that in your pocket?” - Stav discussing phones. Allegedly.
“I don’t want anything larger than six inches in my pockets.”- Shep also allegedly discussing phones.
“So gentlemen, shall we have the fifth shot and complete the fellowship of the skittle? Of course!” Phil and Jimmy
“It’s cocktail time, but yours it still full Jimmy. I will finish it in the kitchen.” Chris and Jimmy discussing clockfails.
“Jimmy’s gone clawing again. Fetch the Blue Curaco!” Georgina and Chris discussing Jimmy’s reaction to a bad clockfail
“I was experimented on as a child.” Stav, explaining a great deal about his past and himself.
“There is no such thing as fugu, it’s just cod covered in tingle sauce. If anyone ever finds this out the chef serves you real pufferfish to preserve the secret.” Phil, explaining the secret of fugu.
“I’d rather have fugu than Phils tingle sauce.” Jimmy, playing the odds.
“Just say what beer you want and don’t mention death camps.” Stav, trying to deny his fate as a Stalinist puppet leader
“Well that’s the Fritzel Basement opened. I’m surprised it took this long.” Phil and Jimmy ruminate on another Bureauvision Wrong Contest.
“She’s got the flow apparently, is it a song about her period?” Vicki cuts to the heart of the Slovenian entry.
“This isn’t very good is it? You’ve just described Eurovision.” Jo and Jimmy discover the secret of the night.
“I like the Gimp, I know I shouldn’t.” Phil, not thinking things through.
“The Hitler cat flap”
“He did something terrible in his early Hitler youth. Or in Fritzel’s basement. Or both” Phil, Vicki and Jimmy discuss the Norwegian entry.
“I can’t see what that flaming piano brings to the song.” Phil, making a statement he never thought he’d make.
“I’m guessing Mud, Poverty and Ethnic Cleansing. So your standard Eastern Europe package then?” Phil and Jimmy discussing Montenegro.
“The German Entry, it’s called Black Smoke.” Actual fact.
“I think it’s supposed to represent purity? What the wheelchair.” Jo and Phil talk at cross purposes about the Polish entry.
“I like Chromatic Fudge. You should, it’s your idea.” Jimmy then Phil discussing bits of boatpig.
“The other day it was night-time.” Stav,who wasn’t even that drunk.
“Unless Jon is spectacularly more virile than I thought.” Stav. Who needs context? It involves the legacy and the prophecy.
“Bjorn, Bjorn, Bjorn, Thor and possibly Bjorn.” A quote from the Scandinavian section of the prophecy.
“Do you think Eurovision has been ethnically cleaned of interesting entries? Glad to see you’ve opened the Hitler window.” Jimmy and Phil kickoff another Bureauvision wrong contest.
“So dull it sends children to sleep” Phil describing the Clogland entry that sent Izzie to sleep
“They don’t want to be there. I think he keeps them trapped in his basement. You opened it - The Fritzel basement!” Vicki, Phil and Jo describe the Clogist supporting guitarist.
“If she ever has quntiplets we’re in trouble. If she ever finds the quote boards we are in trouble.” A rare non-Eurovision quote from Phil and Jimmy
“Is there a penalty for a massive drum? There should be.” Vicki and Phil
“What about her Nissan? It was badly grade separated, I wanted to know about it.” Jimmy and Phil discuss the lyrics of the Italian entry.
“Its never explained who’s trying to break them down. It’s probably Russia, it usually is.” Phil and Jimmy discuss the Bulgarian entry.
“It’s them saying look we have black people in Bulgaria! They only found one. And he got lost trying to get to Germany.” The Bulgarian entry is further discussed
“Are there traditional Polish instruments? The plumbing wrench?” Jo and Jimmy discuss the Polish entry.
“It just tastes like Cider with a taste of foreboding” Stav describing Cydka/Voder
“I’m looking forward to the next layer coming off.” Jimmy describing the Croatian singers colossal costume.
“Triple rhyme combo!” Stav, impressed by the Croatian lyrics
“She runs like a girl.” Jimmy, stating the obvious about a female performer.
“That’s more like it from Sweden, an army of blondes in short skirts.” Phil, when Jo wasn’t in the room.
“That is Schwame on Schwededen.” General acclamation to describe the mind-contest faff.
“It’s like a bad version of Guitar Hero. That’s what it is, the entire Eurovision contest.” Jimmy and Phil discover the secret of the contest.
“Where is that? Some miserable shithole. Armenia. You were right.” Jo, Phil, the announcer and Jimmy combine to describe the Armenian entry.
“Look, it’s the second black in Sweden. Hello, is it me your looking for?” Phil and Jimmy describe the mid-show entertainment.
“Steam cleaning him will be violent, messy and arousing.” Phil describing the end of Jimmy’s warranty period.
“Pope Gregory IX, the plague causing Cat Bastard.” The Bureau verdict on PG9
“Nope, the black just sinks.” The Bureau begin a new year in the traditional way. With black coloured champagne obviously.
“Is that BB King? Not unless he’s lost a lot of weight. He might of, he’s been dead for years.” Jo and Phil discuss performers on Jools Holland
“The Tantalus! I now want something I never knew existed. All thanks to Bullseye.” Jimmy and Phil discuss late night 90s gameshow prizes.
“Guess the film? 2011 A German Space Odyssey. Klaus, das ist ein monolith! Oh yah das ist gut Helmut.”
“Has it got carrots? If so that is the sterilised sick.” Jimmy and Phil discuss the consequences of putting a burning Lithium battery into a airline sick back.
“In the special edition, Jesus nailed first. You can also see Judas encased in ice/carbonate in the background in Jabba’s Palace.” The Special Edition remake of the Bible is discussed.
“We had some quality White Horse based discussions last time.” Phil explains what Shep was missing by not attending Online Bureau Pub.
“So what we have established is that Stav has paid money to put his lips to the ‘blowing stone’ and then gave it his best effort.” A Bureau investigation into Stav’s weekend habits produces shocking results.
“What’s behind the Square Window? SEIG HEIL!” The logistics of the Hitler Windows are discussed.
“I hope it is apparent this is just a video overlay and I don’t actually have a picture of Hitler on my wall. If he asks, that is what I am saying.” Stav and Jimmy discuss what does, and does not, decorate Stav’s walls.
“They are like Kraftwerk but a bit gayer. Campwerk.” Jimmy and Phil discuss the Lithuania
“No, there is far too much flute. That’s totally a recorder.” The Ukrainian woodwind instrument is considered
“She can’t be French, she has shaved her pits.”
“What the Actual Fuck. He’s probably not even doing it ironically.” The Norwegian entrant, dressed as an angel in chains, is discussed by Vicki and George
“Gloves as well! She is literally wearing a Zebra.” The Polish Judge attracts attention
“Where is Jess? She’s off ram raiding again.” the location of junior Phil is discussed
“You should count yourself lucky the genitals are covered 50% of the time. Are we talking front/back or left/right? I think temporally. I was thinking a harlequin arrangement, front left and back right, that sort of thing.” “After a slow start discussing amalgam, the binomial distribution and Pendant Groups I’m glad we found our level in the end and started discussing harlequin genitalia coverage.” Bureau Pub. 24th October. The names have been redacted to protect the guilty.
“You know I don’t think I make enough of the fact my teeth are full of mercury. It would explain a lot and at least you have that excuse.” Jimmy and Phil discuss dentistry.
“Would you rather spend 1hr in the Piss Gym or 1hr in the transparent sex pod?” The Bureau version of the moral maze differs subtly from the radio version.
“Can I wear a mask? Only if it doesn’t disguise your identity.” Stav and Phil discuss the rules of Dystopian cyberpunk moral maze sex pods.
“We have opened the Chalk Window.” Jimmy, on the Bureau Pub descent into discussing Chalk Horses.
“Well that’s taken a dark turn even by our standards. Well if you will read about cannibalism.” Phil and Stav discuss bureau discussions
“I work in Kartoffelstein-Schlosspferd. Ahh one of the lesser known concentration camps. It’s much more intimate and artisnal than the commoner famous camps.” Stav, Phil and Jimmy discuss German office locations.
“No, I promise this doesn’t involve death camps.” Stav making promises he will struggle to keep.