Cheeseshop

Cheeseshop is a two-player game based on the Monty Python sketch of the same name.

Gameplay

One player takes the role of the cheeseshop owner or shopkeeper, and the other takes the role of the customer who wants to buy some cheese. If there are more than two players, then many customers can act as a hive mind.

The customer asks the owner for various cheeses. For each cheese, the cheeseshop owner must explain that he/she cannot sell the customer that cheese, and give a reasonable excuse. Sounds easy, doesn’t it.

Rules

• The customer may not ask for any cheese that has already been asked for in that game.
• The shopkeeper may not give an excuse previously given in that game.
• The shopkeeper may not give the customer any cheese. There may be cheese in the shop, as long as a satisfactory excuse is given as to why it can’t be sold.
• Hesitation by the shopkeeper or customer for longer than it takes the other players to get bored with waiting results in scorn being poured upon the offender. And loss of the game.

If any of these rules are infringed, the infringer loses the game.

Etiquette

• Each excuse should normally be a completely new one that hasn’t been given in any previous game, unless the cheese has a standard excuse (see Standard Excuses and Associated Mimes, below).
• The cheeseshop owner should not appear to be thinking of an excuse by saying “um… err…” in response to a customer’s request. The accepted way of buying time is to spend a while apologising to the customer and explaining that nothing would give the shopkeeper greater pleasure than to vend this cheese, but unfortunately a set of unforeseen circumstances has occurred which you’ll never believe… and so on.

Lesser-known rules

The following rules have all been proposed and enforced at some point, but have since fallen into disuse, forgotten, are no longer enforced, or only come up rarely.

• The shopkeeper may not give more than three transport-related excuses in any one game.
• Excuses must be possible and plausible. This rule has been slowly eroded away over the years, which is fine as that tends to make for a more entertaining game.

Standard Excuses and Associated Mimes

Some cheeses have their own standard excuses, which are traditionally mimed rather than verbalised. It is not against the rules to provide a non-standard excuse for these cheeses as long as it’s otherwise allowable, but a flawed attempt at a mimed excuse results in the shopkeeper losing the game.

• Cheddar: the gorge has been mined out. This is mimed by a digging or pick-axing motion followed by an open-handed look of resignation as there’s no more cheese to mine.
• Danish Blue: lack of blue food colouring. The mime is to shake an imaginary vial of food colouring with the left hand, then perform a similar “it’s run out” gesture.
• Red Leicester: the same as Danish Blue, but with the right hand. (R for red, R for right.)
• Edam: any arbitrary series of gestures that could in some way be construed as making cheese backwards.
• Gorgonzola: the last person to attempt to milk the Gorgon was accidentally turned to stone. There is, as yet, no mime associated with this excuse.

Variations

Quantitative Cheesing

We’re in the middle of a recession, but the people still need their cheese. Will the shopkeeper be able to assure his customers that the shop is unaffected by the downturn, despite not having sold any cheese in years?

In this variation, all excuses must be related to the recession. Suppliers going bust, cheddar miners being forced to use cheap tools, and the changing demographics making stilton production unviable are some excuses you might expect to hear. However, at no point may the cheeseshop owner admit that the cheeseshop itself is in any trouble, even though all his cheese has been repossessed.

Barrymoreshop

A variation of the game based on an alternative theme and setting. The game is set in one of The Barrymore's pool parties. Instead of a customer is The Barrymore himself, who is imposing on a naïve guest who wishes neither to join in the fun nor to offend his host by admitting his disgust. Rather than cheeses, The Barrymore must request various depraved acts, and the guest must find excuses for why he cannot perform said act, without admitting either that he is horrified by the mere idea, or that he wishes to leave.

Winning this game can provoke both shame and pride in equal measure.

Asymmetry

Under perfect play, the game is a win for the cheeseshop owner, because there are more valid excuses than cheeses. However, thinking up cheeses on the spot is a lot easier than fabricating excuses.

Standings

Phil is the undisputed champion of Cheeseshop, having not lost a game yet as the shopkeeper. For this reason, Bureau games of Cheeseshop tend to involve everyone at the table playing against Phil. And everyone still runs out of cheeses before Phil runs out of excuses.