Spleen Spleen Sploul is a game requiring exemplary skill and cunning, and no small physical endurance on the part of both the players (dressed of course in the ceremonial garb: a long cape sewn together from the udders of 37 prize winning horses and a top hat which can be up to 50ft tall, requiring an external support gantry[1])
The essence of the game is to accumulate as many spleens as possible before either player says sploul, with each player taking his (or her[2]) turn to be “at spleen”. The player must then decide whether to enter a bid of “spleen” gaining one point, or to enter a plea of “sploul”.
In the original Highlands metaphor ruleset, a plea of sploul would end the game. It was soon realised this formulation of the rules gave clear advantage to the player who was the “venter” (the first player to be at spleen), unless of course the single timeline time-travel card was played and the “ventee” (the other player) travelled back in time and killed his opponent, but due to the certainty of paradox and the lack of a working time machine, this card has yet to be played by man woman or beast.
This slight flaw in game play did not seem to remove from the spectacle of the game however, and the ruleset remained in play for some two thousands years, until the latter part of the pope wars when the Earl of Bradbury-Rubenstein-Montgomery-Masbeth made spleen spleen sploul history, by performing the counter sploul maneuver, rendering the sploul impotent. This simple act led to a very rapid spleen spleen sploul renaissance, in which much of the stuffy ceremony of the game was done away with, and the eccles cake expeditionary ruleset became standard.
Essentially, ECE rules extend the highland metaphor ruleset by enabling the player to counter a sploul, initially with the Earls defence (which now must be emphasised with a wink and gun gesture) but afterwards with new counter-splouls of ever increasing creativity. A counter-sploul may never be repeated twice however, and if this occurs then player in question loses the game. The game then becomes similar to cheese shop, but a player may during his turn and before stating his bid or plea exclaim “duchess” at which point the Otter of regret is brought over, and the player may spin the otter. If the otter lands paws up, then the game continues from spleen. If the otter lands paws down, the other player must counter otter or the game is void.
Because the ruleset permits the possibility of endless play, it is not uncommon for a game of SSS to last many years at a time, and the phrase “Off for a game of spleen” has become a euphemism for the attempted escape from parental responsibility when the status of conception is confirmed. e.g:
“Darling, I’m pregnant, I knew we shouldn’t have used those supermarket brand prophylactics!”
“Egad! I’m off for a game of spleen!”
“Bastard!”
Attempts to modernise the game have been made over the years, but have yet to crystalise into a successful ruleset, and do not reproduce the spirit of the game. For these reasons, the noble art of Spleen Spleen Sploul is heavily legislated, and players must seek legal advice and take out appropriate insurance before entering a game.
[1] In the centuries before these were permitted, it was not uncommon for a combatants head to be ripped clean off when the hat was caught by a wayward breeze, although some enterprising players were able to use this to their advantage.
[2] As with many past times involving a top hat, women were not initially allowed to enter a game, but this rule was partially repealed when the duchess of flinnimouth entered a tournament disguised as a cabin boy, and was able to hold her own for 13 straight rounds despite suffering rude inflation. A plaque commemorating this event was affixed to the ocean floor.