The Sport of – played by, not with – Kings is the leading contender for finest sport ever devised. From humble (yet delightful) beginnings as a spin-off from Disabled Gladiators, the following sport emerged.
Rules of the Game
The game is closely based on Association Football. However, there are several important differences that should be noted:
- Many or all of the players are severely disabled, and each team may have no more than four limbs per team. The most usual configuration is that all players are quadripleges, except the goalie, who has all his limbs.
- Since many of the players have no limbs, they must play the game in wheelchairs. These wheelchairs are remote controlled, however there are one or two fewer frequencies available than there are players – with hilarious consequences.
- The wheelchairs have numerous spiky attachments to increase the chance of injury. Maiming other players is permitted (and often encouraged).
- Team captains (who don’t play on the field) are Mohammed Ali and Michael J. Fox. Their shaking is linked to the wheelchair controls, which become more unpredictable the more the captains shake. The shaking is also linked to a similarly shaking velcro-lined room containing a monkey. Just because it’s funny.
- The team captains’ medication is linked to their teams’ performance.
- The game is refereed by Prof. Steven Hawking. However, his computer has been modified so that he can only speak with the voice of Elmer Fudd. Furthermore, his movements are controlled by remote control, by a monkey. This monkey stands atop a diving board, and is dressed as Don King (but with a fez).
- The whole field is bounded by a grid of powerful lasers, similar to those portrayed in the cinematic masterpiece Resident Evil, which will humorously slice up anyone who accidentally falls out of the pitch (because their wheelchair is out of control, for example).
- Behind each goal is a gorilla. When a goal is scored, the ball will rattle the gorilla’s cage, causing it to become enraged.
- Half time is signalled not by a whistle, but by Dennis Hopper in a Dynamite Chair.
- If, at the end of the match, the scores are tied, then rather than have a penalty shoot-out, there is a penalty swing-out, in which one of the limbless players from each team is placed on a swing. Last player to fall off wins.
- Rules disputes are decided by Pope John-Paul II. As he shakes due to his age and infirmity, his shaking is linked to a monkey’s cage. Two walls are covered with velcro, and the wall the monkey gets stuck to indicates the Pope’s decision - one wall for yes, the other for no. Since his death, this particular rule may require revision. Or possibly just necromancy.
- Celebrity players are preferred.
- etc.
Many other rules have been devised, but forgotten. It is, in fact, strictly forbidden that anyone remember all of the rules to the game. The consequences should they do so are unrecorded.